by Kinley on July 23, 2010
Have you been wondering how to weed through volumes of online profiles that make the Encyclopedia Brittanica seem like a short story by comparison? Once upon a time, I wondered that very same thing. And using my highly evidence-based practice of research known as the guess-and-check method (“I guess I’ll go out with him if his background check comes out clean…”), I’ve developed a few time-honored techniques to trim down your online options.
Do not date this person:
- Relationship status of Currently Separated. He/she is not ready.
- Significant portions of profile are left blank, including religion, want kids, have kids, education level.
Currently Separated
Granted, there’s no foolproof way around the fact that even in the absence of this telltale red flag, he or she may be 24 hours out of a breakup and looking for a relationship bandaid to ease the pain. Nevertheless, you’re stepping on a heartmine if you walk into a date with Currently Separated. Even as I’ve strategically avoided Currently Separated, I’ve exchanged emails with his neighbors, Just Broke Off My Engagement and She Just Broke Up With Me Yesterday. Conveniently omitting this information from their profile and our email exchanges, I’d typically hear about it in an email that sounded something like this: “I was really looking forward to our coffee date that starts in 10 minutes, but my ex-girlfriend just texted me and I’m going to drop everything to text her back in hopes she’s changed her mind and we can get back together and live happily ever after. Oh, I know I didn’t mention her, but she sure is great, you should meet her sometime.”
Incomplete Profile
Could mean one of two things. Successful online dating requires buy-in; the belief that it can actually work and that the effort one puts in will be worthwhile. An incomplete profile suggests he or she isn’t taking the process seriously. The other possibility is that the person with an incomplete profile has something to hide. Maybe he or she does have kids, but doesn’t want you to know. Whichever the reason, people who are comfortable with who they are and what they want, and are willing to put their cards on the table for the chance at a winning pair, are going to be your best choices if you’re looking for a good love match.
For more online dating tips, or if you have specific questions you’d like me to address, please comment and I’ll be sure to address your comments in my next post. Good luck!
by Kinley on July 5, 2010
For every 50 first dates that read like a horror movie, sitcom scenario, or dull documentary, there will be the fortuitous chemical connection. This will be the date that you actually want to see again. And again, and then again. As things progress, and as your time together begins to take on the faint markings of exclusive dating, you may wonder how to transition your time with Online Date #50 into a relationship.
Before the evolution of online dating provided us with literally hundreds of potential partners at our fingertips, we didn’t much have to be concerned with whether the person we were dating was dating multiple others. Having met your person of interest online, however, you have every right to speculate that when your Mr. or Mrs. Right isn’t right there, he or she may be getting right online to write emails to other persons of interest.
Here are a few dating tips to guide you toward the relationship you want with your person of interest, who you happen to have met in the slightly muddier waters of online dating.
1. When to have the talk. As much as you like online date #50, do not invite any conversation regarding exclusivity for at least the first four to five dates. Lose the intensity and enjoy getting to know the person on pressure-free terms. This is not a race to see how fast you can establish an exclusive relationship.
2. Gauge whether you need the talk. This isn’t junior high, you don’t need to be asked to go steady. Read the signs. If you’re spending every day together and his or her online profile has been inactive for several weeks (yes, it’s okay to check!), chances are you’ve transitioned into a relationship without ever having had to utter the official words “boyfriend” or “girlfriend.”
3. How to have the talk. If the signs aren’t sure, and you’ve waited a reasonable amount of time to go forward with the relationship talk, you can introduce the topic in a fairly benign and non-threatening manner in order to avoid putting your date, and your heart, on the spot. You can jokingly ask if his or her other online dates are as fun as time spent with you. You can mention you’re no longer looking online to meet others. If your potential partner feels the same, he or she will view this as an opportunity to let you know he or she reciprocates your interest. Also, don’t be afraid to be direct. It’s okay to let him or her know your feelings and that you’d like your time together to head toward a relationship. (Remember, don’t do this on date #2! Give it time!)
4. Sprinkle a few grains of salt onto my dating advice. Remember that every situation is unique. I imagine there are two lovebirds out there somewhere who met online and were married by date three. Similarly, I imagine there are those who dated for months before establishing exclusivity. What I offer is simply a guide that tends to work for me and my fellow online-dating friends. If you read your situation as an exception, then trust your judgment and act accordingly. Good luck!
