Have you been wondering how to weed through volumes of online profiles that make the Encyclopedia Brittanica seem like a short story by comparison?  Once upon a time, I wondered that very same thing.  And using my highly evidence-based practice of research known as the guess-and-check method (“I guess I’ll go out with him if his background check comes out clean…”), I’ve developed a few time-honored techniques to trim down your online options.

Do not date this person:

• Relationship status of Currently Separated. He/she is not ready.
• Significant portions of profile are left blank, including religion, want kids, have kids, education level.

Currently Separated

Granted, there’s no foolproof way around the fact that even in the absence of this telltale red flag, he or she may be 24 hours out of a breakup and looking for a relationship bandaid to ease the pain.  Nevertheless, you’re stepping on a heartmine if you walk into a date with Currently Separated.  Even as I’ve strategically avoided Currently Separated, I’ve exchanged emails with his neighbors, Just Broke Off My Engagement and She Just Broke Up With Me Yesterday.  Conveniently omitting this information from their profile and our email exchanges, I’d typically hear about it in an email that sounded something like this:  “I was really looking forward to our coffee date that starts in 10 minutes, but my ex-girlfriend just texted me and I’m going to drop everything to text her back in hopes she’s changed her mind and we can get back together and live happily ever after.  Oh, I know I didn’t mention her, but she sure is great, you should meet her sometime.”

Incomplete Profile

Could mean one of two things.  Successful online dating requires buy-in; the belief that it can actually work and that the effort one puts in will be worthwhile.  An incomplete profile suggests he or she isn’t taking the process seriously.  The other possibility is that the person with an incomplete profile has something to hide.  Maybe he or she does have kids, but doesn’t want you to know.  Whichever the reason, people who are comfortable with who they are and what they want, and are willing to put their cards on the table for the chance at a winning pair, are going to be your best choices if you’re looking for a good love match.

For more online dating tips, or if you have specific questions you’d like me to address, please comment and I’ll be sure to address your comments in my next post.  Good luck!

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Singlesnet.com is one of the bigger online dating site in the country. It was recently bought by Match.com and its online literature says that it makes online dating simpler. It views its profile as more of a simple introduction rather than a in-depth interview. Simple is definitely the word for it.

First Thoughts

The standard Singlesnet profile is rather plain. It asks the usual questions, such as ethnicity, body type, and religion. You also have the ability to state whether you would consider dating someone of a different ethnicity or smoking preference, etc. For those of you that don’t like to write, Singlesnet does not force you to write a paragraph about yourself. You have the option of just proceeding with the stock questions. Be warned: your profile will look quite anemic without any text. There just isn’t much there. Photos are also allowable, but there is nothing that says how many you can upload.

The search engine is pretty basic. You can search by zip code, region, username, or by who’s online. The site states that they have a particular algorithm that picks out the right matches, but there is no ability to narrow your search when you get thousands of hits. Upgrading your membership allows you to access a more robust search engine.

As a free member, you can search for matches, create a profile, and send emails to people who are featured members. A featured member is, in fact, a paying member. You also have the ability to send flirts to express your interest in a member.

For $24.99 per month, you can get all of the benefits that the site has to offer. Naturally, the cost goes down as you pay for more months at a time. As a paid member, you have unlimited connections with all members. There is also an instant messaging feature that opens up for the paid subscriber. Your profile will be highlighted, and you will receive top placement in search results. Singlesnet also offers four ways to pay: credit card, paypal, online check, and check by mail.

Singlesnet Pros

• Simple and easy to navigate interface
• Multiple pay methods
• Ability to email featured members for free
• Relatively less expensive

Singlesnet Cons

• Online Profile is pretty limited
• Search function is too basic

Overall Impressions

Singlesnet has the feel of a starter site and it does not seem as robust as some of the other big online dating sites on the market. It reminds me somewhat of an online bar. You can see people, but don’t really have a good feel about what they are like. That’s what talking is for, but people who are looking into online dating have already had enough of kissing frogs. People are always trying to contact you on this site, but I found it somewhat difficult to judge whether or not you want to speak with them based on the profile. Still, if you’re looking for a date and don’t want to go through a complicated signup process, give Singlesnet a try.

Signup with Singlesnet Today

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Match.com is one of the “big dogs” in the online dating market. Since its inception in 1995, Match.com has been the largest singles dating site on the internet. The site boasts millions of singles and serves over twenty four countries. It also targets a wide variety of niche groups, such as Christians, Jewish people, African-Americans, and many others. It is laid out in an easy to use manner with a simple color palette. It is welcoming with very clear instructions on how to proceed with setting up your profile.

Match.com Profile

Your Match.com profile can be as detailed as you want it to be. In addition to asking for things like favorite movies, religion, and appearance, it also asks about things like birth order, favorite comedian, and favorite charity. It allows for up to twenty-five photos and you can customize just about every question field you can answer. For example, if you want to explain your religious beliefs, there is an optional box you can check for that. On the downside, you are mandated to put two hundred characters in your main profile space which can be sometimes difficult for those who have trouble writing profiles.

Finding Your Match

The main search mechanism of Match.com is straight forward. It asks for location and distance, then sends you to the profiles. In addition, you may continue to customize your search as you bring up matches to narrow your field. They have two other search mechanisms. One is “mutual match” which helps find people who match your ideal date as outlined in your profile. The other is “reverse match” that shows you people who are looking for someone like you.

Free members can create a profile, conduct searches, and send “winks” to people to let them know your are interested. For $34.99 per month, you can contact singles, use instant messaging, use email, remove profiles from your view, and see who has viewed your profile. If you sign up for more than one month, the price per month is less. For instance, six months of membership is only $17.99 per month. Match.com also has a six month guarantee that you will find someone in six months or you get six months free. That’s a company that stands behind its product.

Match.com Pros

• Large community
• Multiple ways to search
• Six month guarantee

Match.com Cons

• Cannot respond to emails as a free member
• Not a focused niche site

Summary/ Recommendations

Match.com is the largest dating service on the internet, and this is a double edged sword. On the one hand, there are many matches to choose from. On the other hand, you can sometimes get lost in the crowd. Still, it is one of the best places to start looking for matches. You are able to see that people are looking at your profile, but not who they are. If you are getting lots of hits, it may be worth buying a month to see if they are viable matches. The six month guarantee is also a nice feature and protects you if the site isn’t working for you. If you are looking for the premier online dating site of the internet, you may have found your match.

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For every 50 first dates that read like a horror movie, sitcom scenario, or dull documentary, there will be the fortuitous chemical connection. This will be the date that you actually want to see again. And again, and then again. As things progress, and as your time together begins to take on the faint markings of exclusive dating, you may wonder how to transition your time with Online Date #50 into a relationship.

Before the evolution of online dating provided us with literally hundreds of potential partners at our fingertips, we didn’t much have to be concerned with whether the person we were dating was dating multiple others. Having met your person of interest online, however, you have every right to speculate that when your Mr. or Mrs. Right isn’t right there, he or she may be getting right online to write emails to other persons of interest.

Here are a few dating tips to guide you toward the relationship you want with your person of interest, who you happen to have met in the slightly muddier waters of online dating.

1. When to have the talk. As much as you like online date #50, do not invite any conversation regarding exclusivity for at least the first four to five dates. Lose the intensity and enjoy getting to know the person on pressure-free terms. This is not a race to see how fast you can establish an exclusive relationship.

2. Gauge whether you need the talk. This isn’t junior high, you don’t need to be asked to go steady. Read the signs. If you’re spending every day together and his or her online profile has been inactive for several weeks (yes, it’s okay to check!), chances are you’ve transitioned into a relationship without ever having had to utter the official words “boyfriend” or “girlfriend.”

3. How to have the talk. If the signs aren’t sure, and you’ve waited a reasonable amount of time to go forward with the relationship talk, you can introduce the topic in a fairly benign and non-threatening manner in order to avoid putting your date, and your heart, on the spot. You can jokingly ask if his or her other online dates are as fun as time spent with you. You can mention you’re no longer looking online to meet others. If your potential partner feels the same, he or she will view this as an opportunity to let you know he or she reciprocates your interest. Also, don’t be afraid to be direct. It’s okay to let him or her know your feelings and that you’d like your time together to head toward a relationship. (Remember, don’t do this on date #2! Give it time!)

4. Sprinkle a few grains of salt onto my dating advice. Remember that every situation is unique. I imagine there are two lovebirds out there somewhere who met online and were married by date three. Similarly, I imagine there are those who dated for months before establishing exclusivity. What I offer is simply a guide that tends to work for me and my fellow online-dating friends. If you read your situation as an exception, then trust your judgment and act accordingly. Good luck!

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While most dating sites have spots for you to briefly discuss specific areas of interest, such as your job, religious views, and favorite hot spots, the meat of the profile is found in your “About Me” section. This is where you can share a summary of yourself and what you’re looking for in a partner. Here are a few online dating tips to improve your “About Me” section.

Know Thyself

In order to accurately convey what you’re wanting, you need to know what you want. Not what you should want, or what you used to want, but what you want right now. One of the biggest complaints I hear from my friends who are online dating is that “She isn’t who she said she was in her online dating profile!” I always point out to my friends that these less-than-accurate representations aren’t necessarily a deliberate deception but rather the likely product of the profile writer’s uncertainty about who she really is and what she really wants. Here’s an example. My online dating profile used to say that I was at the point in my life where I was looking for a long-term relationship, and that I therefore wanted to hear from people who were open to the same thing. With this as my manifesto of intent, I would go on a first date, and by date two Mr. Online was holding my hand and going in for a kiss! And as I narrowly dodged the lips of the guy I’d only just met four days prior, I couldn’t fathom how I’d given any indication this was what I wanted at the end of our second date.

But then I remembered: It’s in my profile. This guy liked me; I had a profile that stated I was at the point in my life that I was looking for something serious. What indication hadn’t I given that I wanted this? So I spent some time thinking about what I really wanted, and then I amended my online dating profile accordingly. What I wanted was to get to know these guys as friends, without the pressure or expectation of an insta-relationship, but with the hope that one of the friendships would grow into a long-term relationship. Because, for me, it’s always easier to speed things up than to slow them back down.

To recap, make sure you’re being upfront in your “About Me” section. That doesn’t mean you have to disclose everything (in fact, I strongly recommend against it), but it means that what you disclose should represent you as you are, not you as you hope to be seen by somebody else.

Nobody Likes Laundry

I bet you’ve read these types of online dating profiles: “I would like a girl with a professional career who can cook a good meal every night, who laughs at all of my jokes, who looks great in sweats and a t-shirt but also looks amazing dressed up for a night on the town. She can salsa dance, speak French proficiently, is always neat and organized, gives blood every Tuesday and Saturday, and enjoys going skiing, hiking, and hunting with me every weekend.” Having read that, I’m already exhausted, and I haven’t even started trying to learn French. Conveying the qualities you’re looking for in a partner is one thing; creating a laundry lists of must-dos and must-haves is another. Notwithstanding that these lists are unrealistic, they’re major turn-offs. If you’re not hearing back from the people you’re emailing online, review your “About Me” section to ensure it’s real, but not unrealistic.

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1. Creating Your Online Dating Profile – Part 1

Remember the stigma of shame once attached to online dating? Back when the tagline on every online profile was a variation of “I’ll lie about how we met if you do”? When online daters were presumed to be either old, creepy men, catwomen (old women with lots of cats, or Halle Berry after she made that bad movie), or socially awkward gamers?

I’m happy to report that over the past few years the stigma of shame has been steadily declining, while the number of men and women willing to jump on the online dating bandwagon has experienced an impressive increase – according to this site, 20,000 people join Match.com every day, and according to the writer of this column, at least 18,000 of these are safely classified as normal and non-creepy (based on my statistically insignificant experiential research by which only 1/10 guys I meet online is abnormal, creepy and worthy of a blocked profile*).

While we may feel more optimistic about joining the 20,000 and venturing into the world of online dating, some of us tend to remain cautious. Even if we feel that there may be chemistry with you just around the corner, the odd way in which we met may dictate that we prefer to get to know you as a friend before heading toward it. In my experience, it is virtually impossible to go from stranger to sixty in one date, or even several dates. Before accelerating toward a relationship, I prefer to stop at the nearest getting-to-know-you station and fill up on friendship.

This concept was recently lost to a decidedly out-of-practice guy I began getting to know after meeting online through OKCupid. While I was interested enough upon our first face-to-face meeting that I felt it worthwhile to continue getting to know him, I remained uncertain after several dates that there was sufficient chemistry for something more. The fourth time we hung out, I established that I would like to hang out as friends only. While my sentiment was mutually agreed upon at the time, he then proceeded to call, email, and/or text three out of the four days following our discussion. As nice as he may have been, I came down with a bad case of too-much-too-soon and freaked out.

So here’s my online dating tip for today. It can be an exciting surprise when you can envision your online date as a potential partner. But keep in mind that appearing overeager can be a relationship death sentence. Give that person ample time and space, meaning don’t call, text, and/or email every day. If that person is likewise interested in you, he or she will make that effort to continue getting to know you.

*Blocked profile: If you end up with your very own online stalker (and yes, it happens, I’ve had several guys repeatedly email and wink with hopes of meeting up despite never returning any indication of interest), most online dating sites have an option by which you can block that person from contacting you or seeing your profile.

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A few weeks ago I ventured out on another online date (courtesy of Match.com). This fellow was handsome, gainfully employed, and funny. He even met my more superficial requirements; ideal age, height and build. But about an hour into the date, I started to feel more like I was up for a job promotion than a second date with all the questions he kept asking me in rapid fire succession.

“Do you plan on living in this area long-term?”

“Would you ever move away from your family?”

“So is being a writer what you want to do for the rest of your life?”

“So what exactly are you looking for in a relationship?”

“What are your relationship dealbreakers?”

“How many kids do you want?”

“Would you donate your left kidney to me if mine fails?” (Just kidding on this last one, but I’m pretty sure he would’ve gotten to that question eventually, had I not cut the date short.)

And the truth is, these are legitimate questions that should most certainly be discussed before, for example, you pledge your “I Do’s” and “Til Death Do Us Parts” before God and your families. Are they necessarily the types of issues that need to be decided on a first date? Not in my book. Moving away from my family or leaving my chosen career path to raise children are weighty matters faced in long-term relationships, and as such, are most appropriately considered and addressed in that context.

So my online dating tip for today is to keep it light. If you feel a burning desire to ask a particular question that would determine whether or not you want a second date with me, then by all means, go ahead and ask. But once I begin to feel like a contestant on Jeopardy, you’ve probably already scared me off. Because I was never any good at Jeopardy.

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Dating for free…that’s for me…

And then there are the free online dating services. You put up a profile, you peruse their profiles, all for less than the price of… well, anything. Two of the more popular sites are Plenty of Fish and OkCupid. Wondering on which site will be your Mr./Mrs. Right? Here are a few tips to pick the free online dating service that’s right!

Plenty of Fish Pros

• It’s simple. You can create your profile, set your search criteria, and set off on your computer quest for Mr./Mrs. Right in less than the time it takes to go on a first date!

Plenty of Fish Cons

• We all know hi-definition is in these days, unless you’re an image on this site. The only thing fuzzier than their images is your head after a long night of online profile surfing.

OkCupid Pros

• It makes online dating fun. You can play “quickmatch” in which you rate potential matches based on an abridged version of their profile and their pictures, and if there’s a mutually high rating, you get notified of the reciprocal interest. There are quizzes to take and personality profiles to complete. You can even answer multiple-choice questions and make your answers public so that you can review your potential match’s answers for compatibility. (The range of questions runs the gamut from your views on recreational drug use, your philosophies on monogamy and political leanings, to your religious viewpoints. Sample question: “Should evolution and creationism be taught side-by-side in public schools?”)
• The pictures are not only clear, they’re practically life-size. No first-date surprises. You know exactly how your date will look (unless the pictures he or she posted are from the early nineties).

OkCupid Cons

• It initially seemed a bit complicated to set up my profile and figure out how to search for matches. It has the look and feel of a social networking site rather than a traditional online dating site with regards to both its format and content (you can post journals, other people can comment on them, that sort of thing). So if simplicity is your thing…..well, then, you should probably forgo online dating altogether.

As you can tell, I personally prefer OkCupid as my free online dating service of choice. On Plenty of Fish, there seemed to be an overabundance of DOGs (desperate old guys) from the over-50 crowd dropping their fishing canes into the water thinking that women in their 20s would bite. I haven’t yet experienced that on OkCupid. Plus on OkCupid I’ve also met more quality men who pique my interest.

Keeping in mind, that both sites are free so you lose nothing by signing up on both sites. Then you can figure out for yourself which site’s a better fit for your dating lifestyle.

Disclaimer: Free online dating services come with a price, after all. One does not have to be gainfully employed, approved for a credit card, or even in the same country to masquerade as your next perfect match. My male friends in particular have narrowly escaped being victims of scams involving people from other countries (escape is thanks to the voice of reason-me-saying “There’s no way a woman that hot would be emailing you”). Use your common sense when going for totally free dating!

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So now that you’ve decided to leave the real world and take off for internet space in your search for a partner, you need to decide which online dating site you’ll entrust to play matchmaker. You can be a paying customer, or you can join one of the free dating sites. This article will discuss your options if you’d like to pay to date; next week’s column will review some of the prime singles sites for online-daters on a budget.

The two most popular online dating sites for paying customers are Match.com and eHarmony.com and I’ve had experiences with both.

Match.com Pros

• With Match.com, you’re allowed full freedom in browsing profiles and contacting whomever you choose. While Match.com may suggest people it thinks you may like in its Daily Top 5, you are not limited to a certain number of people who meet a given “chemistry” criteria. Match.com does not presume to know who you’ll like.
• It’s affordable. If you sign up for a six-month membership, for example, it can be as cheap as $15.99/month. There’s even a “meet somebody in six months or your money back” guarantee. Keep in mind, however, that this guarantee comes with strings attached; you have to prove you’re actively searching out a mate with a minimum number of monthly emails and responses. Sounds exhausting unless you enjoy a challenge that involves going on a date every night.
• You can clearly see what people look like from the pictures. I’ve seen sites that somehow manage to reduce the picture quality to the point that your “blind date” is truly that—you have no idea how they’ll look in person from the fuzzy pictures on their profile.

Match.com Cons

• This is a pro in my mind, but could be a con for some – as aforementioned, Match.com doesn’t pick your matches. It’s up to you to do the dirty work and peruse profiles to narrow down your options. You need to know what you’re looking for, or you’ll be overwhelmed by the 5 million men/women online and you’ll try having a date with all of them. Totally inefficient.
• You don’t know who’s a paying member and who’s not. Non-paying members of Match.com can’t do anything but wink. So somebody may wink at you, but then never respond to your email – because they can’t! Just assume if you don’t hear back from somebody, then he or she is a non-paying member who can’t send/receive emails and move on.

eHarmony Pros

• eHarmony decides who you’ll be romantically attracted to according to a comprehensive personality profile it generates based on your answers to an overwhelmingly large number of questions.

eHarmony Cons

• eHarmony decides who you’ll be romantically attracted to according to a comprehensive personality profile it generates based on your answers to an overwhelmingly large number of questions. This means – if it doesn’t generate anybody to whom you could envision being attracted, you’re out of luck – no more options until eHarmony identifies another possible match.
• There are at least six or seven steps to work through before actually getting to correspond with an eHarmony potential match. They include sending multiple-choice questions to one another and sending “must-haves & don’t-wants” (pre-chosen lists of deal-makers and deal-breakers for your ideal partner). Who has this kind of time? I think I made it through step 2 with one potential partner before losing interest.
• It’s expensive. I did a free trial, but I think the price for a month was upwards of $50. If you don’t meet anybody, wouldn’t you rather have met nobody for the price of $16 than the price of $50?
• The pictures were somewhat poor quality. If eHarmony generates, for example, three potential matches, and you can’t tell what they look like (for example, only head-shots, or simply poor quality resolution), it’s hard to envision spending weeks going through the arduous multiple-step process just to finally get to the point of actual correspondence so you can send an email that says, “Hey, you! Put up a better picture so I can actually see what you look like!”
• I felt scammed. I’m a stable, smart, gainfully employed, attractive, funny (at least – I laugh at my jokes) female, yet after laboriously completing my personality profile, eHarmony insulted me by deciding there were only three people within fifty miles of me who might possibly match me. Conveniently, once my free-trial was up and I declined to pay, eHarmony suddenly found dozens of matches for me – matches I’d be able to see as soon as I signed up for a membership, as it told me by way of emails for a good six-months after my trial expired.

Match.com vs eHarmony? In my experience Match.com wins by a landslide.

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So you might remember back to a simpler time when the first thing you did was get to know people, and the last thing you did was decide to date them. When you were first introduced, at a college class, perhaps, or during that first job you held at Subway when you still thought a free six-inch sub at the end of your shift meant good benefits, the last thing on your mind was making that introduction into a lifelong relationship.

And if your friendship led into an eventual relationship, it felt like a naturally-occurring phenomenon; a spark as opposed to an arson fire.

It seems counterintuitive, then, to be meeting your newest online date at 7:00pm for a drink, and to have assessed his or her emotional and financial stability, job security, family history, physical appearance, and religious and political compatibility by 7:06pm.

But that’s exactly what you’re doing in the world of online dating. You’re there with hopes of meeting somebody to whom you’re attracted. And rest assured, so are they. So if neither of you sees the potential for romantic compatibility, that’s that.

But that’s a lot of pressure! The kind of pressure that might make you, say, try too hard in your attempt to make that good first impression in six minutes or less. And while there’s nothing wrong with putting your best foot forward, here are 5 online dating tips to keep that foot out of your mouth and maintain composure despite your nerves.

1. Don’t ask your online date how you’re doing so far. Be confident enough to know you’re doing perfectly well.
2. Don’t talk about your other dates, or your most recent relationships. It’s okay to briefly allude to that movie you watched with the ex, it’s not okay to launch into a diatribe about how the ex wronged you. (That’s what your personal blog site is for—or at least that’s what mine’s for.)
3. Don’t get too deep. Politics and religion can be inflammatory topics, and if you find you don’t agree on them, you’re probably not going to convert your date right then and there. So don’t try. (You scoff, but this actually happened to me. His monologue on the superiority of his political views to mine only lasted a full hour because I hadn’t yet outlined for myself the rules on How to date and dash.)
4. Don’t forget your wallet. (The same guy who gave me the political lecture also received a free drink on my dollar after having left his wallet in his car. It was like paying for a really bad movie, and then having to sit through the whole thing.)
5. Don’t whine and dine. It can be easy to lament the travails of the dating world, or the world in general, but try to stay upbeat during your date. I find positive energy to be incredibly attractive, and I definitely won’t be looking for a second date with you if either depression or desperation about the current state of your dating life comes to light during our time together.

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